My first Mother’s Day without mom

I have finally reached that age when I no longer have either of the people who brought me into this world. That really makes me realize that I am indeed older than I thought. I often think of my dad, who passed away 21 years ago, as I find myself so much like him. My mom lived a relatively healthy life for those years since, even though she lost her life time partner. I don’t know how she did it! 


At least it was a good, happy life until the last three years of her life, when she slipped into the living nightmare of Alzheimer’s Disease. We all started seeing signs of Dementia but as most families do, dismissed most of her actions as just old age. After all, she was 89 years old, and she still had good physical health, had regular doctor appointments and was only on medication for high blood pressure and a supplement for good bone health. Even her high blood pressure only began in the last couple years of her life. She never had a serious health issues, could see without glasses most of her life, with the exception of reading since the age of 50, which is normal. In her last decade, she had issues hearing and could never quite get used to finding a hearing aid that worked as well as she wanted.


As mom became more fearful of driving and living in her long time home that she and my dad bought when they first married, she willing wanted to make changes such as selling her home and stopping driving. These weren’t really issues that we had to argue with her about. She didn’t want to drive when she began fearing losing control or not seeing as well. She wanted to sell her house when she realized that it was becoming too much for her to keep up with cleaning and repairing. She fortunately found an opening in a newly built retirement home that was in her community and rent was determined by income, so her monthly rent was affordable to her. We all felt better that she was in a secure environment and she made many new friends as well.


Then when she hit 89, we saw her begin to withdraw from some of the friends at the retirement residence. We saw just little signs of her showing her age, even though she still kept walking on a treadmill every day and often sat with and took care of others who had bad health and no other family to be with them. Mom would often deliver daily newspapers to many and keep them company. 


Then the dreaded fall. It was only in a carpeted hallway and was just one of those things, but she broke her hip. As many people have often observed, something about the anesthetic from the surgery seemed to flip a switch and she began a relatively quick short term memory loss. After some time passed and all pain medications were stopped, she did very well with her recovery of the broken hip and did well in physical therapy. Still, something had changed as she often slipped into forgetfulness of many small things. She repeated things often. Still, we all took into account her hearing loss and recovery process and age and thought that this was probably all normal. Well, it wasn’t!


The real first sign of what was happening to her brain was that she fell again. She did not get hurt this time, but went back to physical therapy, during which it was observed that her mind was probably affecting her physical walking. Her muscles were forgetting how to walk. It went downhill from there. Between my sister and myself, we tried to have her live with us for quite a while, as we continued paying rent for her apartment as we hoped she would recover and be able to live there again. This unfortunately never happened. 


As her mental condition became worse it finally became apparent that she now needed 24 hour professional care and we moved her to a nursing home. This was something that we never wanted to do, and bothered us daily, but we faced that she needed care that we could not do for her. The partially good thing about her memory loss was that time was a confusing thing to her, as it was both never ending and yet standing still. We hoped and prayed that most of her time in the nursing home wasn't apparent to her as every moment was the same as the next moment. She was known as one of the most loved patients at the home who always wanted to make everyone else happy, although when we visited her, she would mostly unload the troubles of her world and mind on us, most likely as she felt comfortable enough to not hold those thoughts in. It was always hard to visit her there and harder to leave, not knowing how long this would last. Her physical condition remained fairly healthy, which during Alzheimer’s, only makes the nightmare last longer for the victim.


During this last winter, due to many snowy days making it difficult for us to get there, we missed a couple of weeks visiting her. In January of 2010, when we finally visited her, she looked like she had taken a turn for the worse. The staff also told us the same about her condition. She wanted to stay in bed most of the day and seemed much weaker. We happened to visit her on January 24, 2010, on Sunday and she was weak and in her bed. She could hardly speak but seemed to snap out of it for a while because she was so happy to see us. It seemed as if she was waiting to see us that last time. 


When we left, I knew it would be a matter of a short amount of time for her to last, but I didn’t think it would happen as fast as it did. That night, January 25, at about 3:30 AM, we received a call from the home. The nurse said in a very quiet voice, “I sorry to let you know that Hannah passed away a few moments ago”. Although I thought it may happen soon, at that moment, it shocked me. I called a local funeral home and hoped they would guide me through what I needed to do. I hung up the phone and laid in bed thinking of the life I had as a young boy, living with my parents in our small home. I thought about how I didn’t have a care in the world, while they made all the difficult decisions of life that parents do. I realized that both of my parents were gone from this world and felt a deep emptiness inside that I had never felt before. I was always closer to my father and my mom seemed to always be closer to my older brother, but now that she is gone, I know she did all that she could to give me the mind, heart and emotional soul that I possess. Who I am and how I am in this world, is because they had an unexpected surprise one day of finding out that they were having another baby, ten years after their, what they thought, was their last child. They gave me the happiness of a 1950’s, Baby Boomer, middle income life. I was blessed to have been born where I was, and to whom I was from.  I had the life of a child of the seemingly innocent 1950’s, of television, suburbia life, neighborhood friends, baseball, toys and freedom to be happy as a child should. 


This Mother’s Day will mean probably more to me than any other, as I face the first time that I know.... I no longer have a mother! 


I wished I could place my hand on my children’s hearts and transfer the knowledge of what it feels like to no longer have your parents, not to make them sad, but to awaken to how blessed they are right now, to NOT have that feeling.


Happy Mother’s Day to everyone. Give them your time more than anything and perhaps one of the biggest hugs you have given them for a long time. It will be among their greatest gifts and memories!


Happy Mother’s Day Mom! I pray that you feel nothing but complete happiness every second of time, now that you are released from the pains of your last years. 

17th AnniValentine's Day

February 14, 2010 was our 17th year of what we call "our second lives". Both Anita and I have been married before, and we feel as if we were given a second chance for happiness in finding each other and it has felt like that every day since we met. We spent a great day together, had a fantastic dinner at a local restaurant and watched a movie. I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than to just be with each other, especially on that special day when it's truly "all about us"!

Those post-holiday blues...

All the preparation, all the baking, all the shopping, all the decorating... When we were young and Christmas was full of imagination and wonderment, we all couldn’t wait for the one special night when we went to bed with eyes that we were sure would never close, only to find morning had snuck up on us suddenly and the most exciting day of the year was finally here! These were truly magical times!

Christmas is truly about the birth of Christ and Christianity and that should not be allowed to become lost in the celebration of holiday events, but Christmas is also a very special time...even a magical time in the lives of children, and that is as it should be. In the years of our lives, we will undergo so many different phases, in which there will be successes and failures and burdens of responsibility of family and careers. The few years of our early childhood that are innocent and carefree may be the most cherished memories of our lives.

Christmas brings out the best in people and therefore leaves us with memories of happiness that will endure throughout all the struggles of our lives. It is a special gift that we can give to our children when we become parents and are fully aware of how special our own holiday memories are to us.

I remember those youthful Christmas memories with the warmest feelings of love and family as some of the happiest times of my life! They were filled with warm glowing lights, good smells, laughter and love and I knew that I had to give those special memories to my children as well.

Life if hard enough and we all well know that those post holiday blues begin with taking down the decorations and removing each special ornament off the tree and remembering the special memory they remind us of in Christmas’s past. There is a sad feeling about taking down all the decorations and knowing that spending every day with a purpose of visiting family and friends and realizing all of our blessings was ending, only to go back to our daily routines. We know that Christmas magic is now eleven months away again.

The post holiday blues will not last, as we open out eyes and minds to exciting and new goals for the new year, but it always did take about a week or even two for me to snap myself out of the blissful happiness of enjoying the closeness and love and the special gift that Christmas and holiday season gives us and how we feel when we give of ourselves to others. That’s why Christmas can be difficult for many of us to see end. Perhaps our best hope of dismissing these feelings is to continue giving of ourselves to others throughout the rest of the year and insure that we remember to show the ones we love, how blessed we are to have them in our lives, each day.

A Baby Boomer Christmas at our house in the 1950’s

As a Baby Boomer child of the 1950’s, I realize how lucky I was to have been born in the U.S. in post World War II. The country was on a high of pride and relief that this war of wars was over and times were at the beginning of prosperity. Industrialization was growing, with factories coming off of the being geared up for making products for the military and switching over to products that the post war families wanted to buy. This was a time of not much money for many families, but it was also the beginnings of credit for the average family and buying on time or buy now, pay later. Gradually, middle income families were beginning to buy new homes, furniture, washing machines, and all of the innovative products that were coming out.

To be a child of a middle income, suburban family in the 1950’s was a very fortunate thing. Now, I have to make a note that of course, there were many still having very hard times and that needs to noted. This is not a posting of ignorance or gloating, but one merely stating how fortunate I, and many other children of these times were to have been born where and when we were. These are years that I will never forget, when my parents were still young and although facing all of the difficult decisions that new families do, there were jobs and the cost of living actually allowed one parent to stay home and raise the children.

The Christmas season was a glowing time in my house, as my father was full of Christmas and loved doing everything to excess. This could make for difficulties for my mother as she had to find ways to save money to make sure the family had the necessities, but you couldn’t really contain my dad when it came to Christmas. I even missed some of his younger years and heard others tell the stories of some of the things he did that neighbors remembered as wonderful. I wished I had been there to enjoy some of them as well.

Some examples of these Christmas stories of my father:

My father always loved music, although he didn’t learn to play any instrument well. He did learn to play the guitar when he was very young, so I’m told, but he stopped for some reason and never played anything again. His father was well known for playing honky tonk piano when he was very young, by ear. He never had any formal lessons. I am told I inherited the love for music from my grandfather. During Christmas, my father would put large speakers outside and play Christmas music records all night on Christmas Eve. Neighbors told me this and that they would open their windows a slight crack to hear the music and how much they loved it!

My dad was also known for being Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, again, before my time. He would dress like Santa and go all through the neighborhood to each house on Christmas Eve. This was not a planned event, but just something that he wanted to do and the neighbors loved him doing it. They were all about the same age and had young children who just loved Santa coming to their homes. The funny part of the story, except to my mother, was that each house gave my father a shot of cheer, or whiskey, so obviously when he arrived back home, he was, as the expression goes, three sheets to the wind.

Another year, when I was around, as my father and I loved to put up the train platform during Christmas, he decided, while my mother was at work, to put the entire giant train platform, which was 12 feet by 12 feet, in our living room. (photo at left) Now, we had a pretty small house and this turned our living room into a narrow passage way to the dining room. You had to walk in the front door, close to the wall, around the platform display to get to the dining room. To tell the truth, I don’t actually remember where we sat or where the living room furniture even went. It didn’t matter much to me. I was about 10 years old and all I knew was that my wonderful train set was the center of the house.

If you see a pattern here that reminds you of the beginning of the movie, “Mrs. Doubtfire” when Robin Williams played a father who was all about fun and his wife, Sally Fields, played the frustrated wife who had to make sure bills were paid and clean up the messes that he made. As I was very young, I am not sure, but I would say that is probably how my parents were. My mother was always too serious and my father was probably too excessive when it came to enjoyment. (my mother doesn't look very happy at the moment of the photo on the left) Somehow, they managed to deal with their character traits, as they remained married until my father died at the age of 74. All I can say is that my dad made our lives fun and full of wonderful memories. My mother was too serious, but I can totally understand how frustrated she probably was and I realize that she did her best. They both did a great job providing us a good home and did the best they probably could. 

We all make mistakes as parents. Without my mother keeping my father in check, we may not have had the home and lifestyle we had. Without my father, we would have not had the lifetime of wonderful memories we had.

Ten favorite classic holiday movies to decorate by:

Thanksgiving weekend has long been the beginning of decorating for Christmas. It’s also time to begin watching holiday movie favorites. Usually Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” is the first to watch while decorating the tree. “White Christmas” staring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye just brings childhood memories straight to the surface. All the wonderful Irving Berlin classic music bring many families together as they sing along with songs like “Sisters” or “Counting Your Blessings” or “The Best Things, Happen When You’re Dancing“.

Our family doesn’t feel quite right if we haven’t watched ”White Christmas“ before the Monday after Thanksgiving.

Some of our most cherished classic, must see holiday movies are:

”A Christmas Story”

"National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation“

”It’s a Wonderful Life”

”Miracle on 34th Street“ (both the 1947 and 1994 versions)

Charles Dickens ”A Christmas Carol“

”Little Women”

“Scrooged”

“Home Alone”

“Jingle All the Way”